| i am persistence. you should have said no.. |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|05:30 pm] |
its not hard to make fools.
you can easily make anyone look stupid given a particular course of action.
its especially easy to make a fool of yourself.
MORON: hey. i'm sorry for being scary and inappropriate.
AG: its okay.
(you should've said "GO AWAY!")
all you have to do is walk up to her and tell her what you feel deep inside, tell her that you feel stupid for doing the stupidest unneccesary things in a blur of impulses..
all you need is the knowledge you won't be wrong, or a swig of superficial confidence. and there, you've blocked your own shot, you've humiliated yourself once again. you've made a FOOL. it could be by accident or by choice (yes it happens)
all you need to do is believe in yourself enough to think you are capable of anything and sooner, or later, you'll have half your face slamming into the faded red concrete ground; and your mouth bleeding from when you bit into it while trying your best to not look as bad as you do when you realize you're making a terrible mistake. that what your doing is totally creeping her out and she doesnt appreciate the false act of bravery that, only moments ago, you thought could be charming or cute or capable of making her smile.
all you need to do is try to not be yourself and you'll fail.. and the best part is, when you DO try to be yourself, chances are, you fail just as badly as you failed when you tried the last time.
whoopdi-freakin-doo!
thanks for not freaking out like a car accident with a scene where you scream at me to "GET THE HELL AWAY!" or take physical action like slapping me and running away. (well, the running part you played perfectly.) but the truth is, i think i might've liked it better if you DID kick the shit out of me. at least that way i'll think that you were a complete A-HOLE and give me a reason to not come up to you.
but you didn't you were nice about it, really really fake nice. but nice.
like a really really polite mother when her son brings home a really trashy girl, it'll leave a thorn in her heart seeing her son in love with a whore, but she'll be all nice and courteous. yeah, you were nice about it.
which sucks for you.
now i have a reason to walk up to you again and try to waste your time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|09:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | can dish it out. cant take it. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the devil and god are raging inside me | ] |
tailing like an obvious white ribbon
unwelcomed by the underneath of her skin
tied to the heels of her feet
memorized by her eclipse
but yes, it is the sun
and however distant it may be
the warmth is alcohol in my veins
drunk on pride, glass after glass
cornered cats disappearing in shadow
shadows in crowds, shadows in machete laden walls
shadows in doors and shadows in staircases
cornered cats shifting eyes and tweaking smiles
and you are invisible
a ghost a speck a blemish
a split-second
a blur
tailing like an obvious white ribbon
picked off at the ankles |
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| falling sugar and ice... |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|06:24 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | band of horses - the great salt lake | ] |
i have a recurring dream
it's very yellow
like a classic style photograph but not sepia
like the mexico scenes in the movie "Traffic"
the only other dream i've had repeat itself
was me walking off a bed
and waking up before landing on the floor
i falldownhard
i walk up and ask a question
or say something clever
then i lose again
maybe in the next one i'll have wings
and i can be not under you for a moment |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|09:43 am] |
yesterday at mass, a teenage girl around 16 or 17 yrs old came in halfway through the sacrament with earphones still attached to her ears and cellphone in hand. i said to myself, "look at that peice of socialite trash."
but i was in church. everyone there is a sinner, who am i to judge right?
im in the library. she just went down the stairs and entered that room with the periodicals. my guess is she's reading the paper or a magazibe while listening to music. that stuff can really break your concentration while your trying to read.
i like in here in the ateneo. i dont ever want to leave. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|09:32 pm] |
i suck..
i think i've been stalking a person i barely know
for a while now.. it seems really stupid.
it doesnt come natural to just talk, i have to
follow her around and watch her as she goes.
i want to be normal. it feels really dumb acting like this.
the biggest loser shouldnt be a show about fat people
it should be a reality show starring me. |
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| AG... |
[Sep. 7th, 2006|04:02 am] |
| [ | music |
| | Ghost Man on Third | ] |
i waved. she smiled. a piano fell on my head
as i fought through the ivory keys, i watched her vanish into the wind.my shoulder twitched in pain. i chased her down the horizon, but like any other light, she faded. the skies bathed me in tears as i marched in defeat. i continuously aimed to daydream her into reality. but insanity carried on.
her footsteps could not contain themselves. i stumble upon my heart. not realizing she had left it behind. |
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| it's been quite a while... |
[Aug. 31st, 2006|04:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | longing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Arctic Fucking Monkeys | ] |
I can overhear the tv starting a conversation with my
6 year old cousin about the incredible "Rotato."
the TV shopping network's magical potato peeler which efficiently
peels potatoes whilst promoting laziness.
I count the days since i last saw you and it's unbearable..
I can't stop staring at the bad picture of you
and you look terrible in it. If i could pretend
I knew who you really were, things would probably
be better. But I have no idea who you are and all
I know is when you talk I feel like punching you
in the face...
If I don't see you tomorrow I'm gonna kill an animal.
if that doesn't resolve anything I don't know what will.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|10:17 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | stockholm syndrome - blink 182 | ] |
henyo's sick.
i'm sad, fuck pneumonia..
were going to visit him tomorrow. its gonna be fun, aslong as we dont get sick ourselves. i hear its contagious but so what? we wanna see our friend..
we wanna check up on our brother..
i wont tell my parents were going to the hospital risking our own health in the process, it'll make them freakout.. and they wont let me go...
i wanted to go to eastwood but im not going..
chicosci sana...
aww..
i wanna play dota.. |
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| entirely concentrated on the nothingness which tomorrow holds.. |
[Aug. 17th, 2006|11:56 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | c'mere - interpol | ] |
i wish i had the control of a police officer trying to decide whether of not he should shoot at the 14-year old gang member with a 12 gauge shotgun in his hand aimed at the temple of a 55-year old liquor store owner with 4 children, two of which are present at the scene.. |
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| i never had any brothers. not til a few years ago. |
[Aug. 15th, 2006|04:05 pm] |
class dismissed.
so i ate lunch at the caf.
life has been so boring lately.
i cant help but feel sleepy everytime i have to head home. i need my brothers to keep me company for me to feel alive. they mean more to me than any girl could ever mean.
after eating and hanging out for a while i stood up and said i have to go. then i gestured for the kid to stand up. so he did and i gave him a hug.
i love that kid.
i love them all.. |
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| fuck monday |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|10:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
"although i didnt realize it at the time i was living quite carelssly. i was taking a crash course on how to throw one's life away at a young age. another way to look at it is that i was on a downward spiral that was caused by a mix of peer pressure and family problems. my "
this is the introductory paragraph of seppi's english essay whihc he we are cramming today in the comp lab next to the RMT..
i hate monday.. i start it with a 4 hour break from the time i arrive at school at around 6:30 to 10:00 when my first class starts.
i always have nothing to do. thank God seppi's a lazy crammer. im killing time helping him.
fuck monday |
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| so empty.. so complete.. |
[Aug. 1st, 2006|05:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ghost man on third | ] |
i saw trio and she gave me an emo hi with an emo wave to match..
it was so lame, and funny, she's such a loser and i can barely give a fuck about it.
im cured. im free.
its like i met her last week and i cant remember her name, its over.
i havent felt this way in so so so long..
screw her and her birthday and her party and her bullshit feeding ways. im so over her and them and all she gave me and all she planned and all the tears she cried and all the decisions she made snd all the things i hate to hate about her. she's gone.
im keeping the bracelet though. the one she gave me.
not coz it reminds me of my mistakes, or coz it reminds me of what we had.
i cant smell her on it. and i really like it.
so as far as im concerned, its mine.
bleh! go screw yourself.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2006|01:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | saosin | ] |
i wanna go to katipunan. it sucks to stay at home. in katipunan i can play dota or skibis with my friends and maybe flirt with the counter girl at the internet cafe. i wanna play basket ball. i wanna do something not boring and not a waste of time. like this journal. a waste of time. no offense to mr. javate. but it kinda is. unless i have something interesting to say.
but i dont. |
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| here she comes, walking like the world falls at her feet.. |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|10:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chicosci - manila teenage deathsquad | ] |
im tired. thanks to my superior intelect, im not in basic pinoy. so i stick with the stupid teacher who loves revolutions and hate the government. we had to watch a film. so we did. not knowing it was the film after that we were gonna be asked about.
we were drained.
so we went home. screw pinoy.
im sleepy. i saw her.
its not true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder.
the less i see her the less i need her.
my day was fine.
til i saw her at up.
she didnt notice me. she walked right by me as if with a razor at her shoulder cutting into me side.
she's so stupid. i hate her.
walking like the world falls at her feet.. |
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| (your name here) sucks |
[Jul. 23rd, 2006|07:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | enraged | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chicosci - pink hearts, yellow stars (harlequin lovers) | ] |
after drinking a few bottles and orange vodka, i hitched a ride home with jab.. we talked in the car and i told him what had happened with trio..
he told me to fight for it.
i've always been the kind of guy who runs away from a fight. its pathetic. i'm way ahead. and i'm the underdog.. just like the movies.. i'm the good guy.
i'm the clint eastwood, or the whoever the hell busts the door open, guns blazing.. and the only one standing in the silence.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2006|10:55 pm] |
smell is addicting.. i stupidity is a way of life..
why am i content with shadows again? oh yes. love.
or infatuation.. you never know how little this could really mean to me. or how gigantic..
all i know is i decided to stay.. no matter how stupid it makes me seem..
well thats me. stupid.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 10th, 2006|09:28 am] |
its exhausting to hate someone you dont.
we sat down on a bench and didn't talk. i ate a sandwich she brought.
then she cried. it was fun to watch at first. but then i felt compassion.
(stupid useless compassion) i stood her up. then wiped her tears.
then hugged her and said its okay..
i am such a loser.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2006|05:03 pm] |
it feels strange. i killed trio.. but not in the way i wanted to..
we were talking and all of a sudden she was telling me about how she and goat are back together..
i was crushed.
sudden rush of emotions. i was so angry. i felt like doing it.
so i killed her.
i told her to stay away from me. never say hello. no messages or calls.
no waving or smiling in the halls. no talking. no anything. i told her to ignore me for as long as she knew me..
then i wanted to kill her again.. to kill her more.
i wanted to ruin her life. tell her friends what she'd done so they would turn on her. tell everyone what kind of monster she really is deep within.
tell goat what had happened between us so she could get her heart broken too.
a day passed. i felt awful. i felt completely empty.
then i saw her. passing by the covered courts during PE. she was hiding her face with her bag. she didnt want anyone to see her or her to see anything.
i squirmed and folded deep inside. i didnt want her dead anymore.
so last night i told her to meet me after her last class.
so we met, and i returned the beads she gave me and the monkey on the motorcycle we won at the arcade, and i told her to keep them.
i dont know hwy i did it. i probably just wanted to see her again.
im such a wuss. so weak-hearted. i told her to go away and i urge her to meet with me.. i feel like shit. but i also feel okay coz we sort of talk again.
so what if she's with goat again? so what if we can never be?
so what if i still love her and simultaneously hate her with all my heart?
point is...
well, there's no point. it's just the way it is..
i am such a loser. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|10:21 am] |
killing trio is the hardest thing i'll ever have to do..
i'll try to accomplish it by the end of today,
i dont know how i'm gonna do it though..
she's been pretty nice to me lately,
but i know it has to be done..
i'm crumpled paper used to fill the holes he's left in her heart..
i dont know if i wanna be that guy..
the weekday partner
the temporary friend..
i dont know if i can do this right..
collosus says its for the best.
i hope it is. |
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